Talking Money With Lisa

The Home and Away Series

This Month's Guest: Ms. Nancy W. Hudson

Extension Agent - Family and Consumer Sciences, Medina County

Agreeing about money challenges many families. It takes time, effort, and effective communication to get on the same money track. When circumstances include a job that keeps you apart for days or weeks, your money-talking skills and individual efforts need to provide the payoff.

If your money discussions escalate to shouting matches or come to abrupt halts, it's time for a different approach. Realize you will have different attitudes and values. To one, money may mean power. To the other it may mean security or status. One may be a spender, the other a saver. The concern is not that you always agree about money, but how you discuss your differences and reach a suitable compromise.

What Is an Argument Worth?

Save arguments for important issues. Decide amounts each person can spend with no questions asked. It might be $5, $10, $25 - whatever fits your budget. Regular allowances provide a sense of spending freedom and avoid discussions over personal items and incidentals.

If away-from-home costs seem excessive, keep good records of that spending for a month or so. Discuss the expenses and agree on an amount that fits your budget.

A Time and a Place

Talking about money "later" or promising to discuss it "some other time" usually doesn't happen.

In a survey on family issues in a trucking lifestyle, one spouse wrote, "We usually have to pay bills and make financial decisions while he is in, but I don't bring this up the first day he is home. He needs to unwind and settle in first." Also avoid starting a discussion right before he leaves again. Sometime between those two transitions, schedule a regular time in the "while-you're-home routine" for a financial discussion - even when all is well. Meet where there are minimum distractions. The television, radio, and phone can interfere with your discussion.

Include other family members as appropriate. Children can learn from this process. Allow everyone a chance to express feelings, wants, and needs without interruption or criticism. Family members are more likely to abide by a decision if they were part of the process.

Listening Habits

Effective communication requires good listening. What kind of listener are you? During a disagreement, are you planning your defense instead of listening? Does your mind wander? Do you stop listening if a subject is hard to understand?

Listen for key points. Ask questions to be sure you understand. Be careful not to criticize, argue, or do things to keep your spouse from expressing feelings.

Communication Blocks

Ordering, directing, or commanding messages tell a person their feelings or needs are not important. ("You'll just have to spend less while you're away.")

Warnings and threats can make a person feel afraid and submissive. ("If you don't control your charging, I'll take away your charge cards.")

Moralizing or preaching about what someone should do often makes them more resistant and defensive. ("Smoking costs a lot and is bad for you. You really should quit.")

Advising and giving solutions make a person feel you don't think they can make good decisions. ("You need to spend less while you're gone by taking food with you instead of buying snacks and eating out.")

Judging, criticizing, disagreeing, and blaming comments make a person feel inadequate, inferior, or worthless. ("Can't you ever balance the checkbook right?") Name calling, shaming, and ridiculing hurt feelings and cause discouragement and anger. ("Okay, Smarty.")

A Communication Tool

Use "I-Messages." The words you choose and your tone of voice can fuel or diffuse an argument. Your spouse is more likely to listen if you use "I-Messages" instead of "You-Messages." You-Messages tend to be verbal attacks of blame and criticism. I-Messages focus on you and your feelings.

I-Messages have three parts:

1. "I feel..." Make a clear statement of how you feel.
2. "when you..." Name the specific behavior that causes you to feel that way.
3. "because..." Say why the behavior or event is upsetting.

Instead of this: "You never record the amounts of the checks you write."

Try this: "I feel frustrated when check amounts are not recorded because I don't want to bounce a check."

Remember: I-Messages have three specific parts. Starting a sentence with "I" doesn't necessarily make it an I-Message.

Solving Money Problems

If a problem is worth arguing about, it is worth solving. Combine good communication skills with the following steps:

1. Acknowledge that there is a problem. Get feelings out in the open.
2. Identify the real problem. Money issues are often emotionally charged. Organized, written records give objective information. Be sure the issue is really money.
3. Discuss only the identified problem. Keep personalities, past complaints, or other problems out of it.
4. Brainstorm alternatives. List all possible actions/solutions, no matter how ridiculous. No one should comment on suggestions until all ideas are out on the table.
5. Discuss each alternative and agree on a possible solution. Write it down. A compromise may be the best or only solution. Everyone should feel their wishes were considered.
6. Make every effort to support the solution. Identify and avoid obstacles. Recognize necessary sacrifices. Whose support do you need? Perfect solutions are rare.
7. Keep communication open while working out the solution. Each person needs to feel understood, appreciated, and loved.

To get you started talking about money, complete the "Getting to Know You, Your Co-spender, and Money" worksheet in the Home and Away Series.